The Dear Cthulhu Collections
Make your life better with Cthulhu!
It’s the Advice Column to end all Advice Columns! Move over Dear Abby and Ann Landers. Dear Cthulhu is here to answer humankind’s greatest questions – when is the right time to lose one’s virginity, how to get along with neighbors, to the proper way to preserve a corpse so one can continue to collect on their government payouts.
With Dear Cthulhu’s help and his collected advice columns, you can ensure that you always have A Dark Day!
Here’ a sample of Dear Cthulhu’s wisdom-
Dear Cthulhu,
My boyfriend “Jim” and I have been seeing each other for 4 months. Things have been going great. Jim tells me he loves me and I know I care for him a lot. Our making out has always been hot and heavy. Jim’s a great kisser, but lately Jim’s been wanting to go beyond necking and petting. I’m just not sure I’m ready to give him my virginity. Jim says if I really love him I’ll make love to him. My mother always told me if a guy truly loved me, he’ll wait until I’m ready and not pressure me.
My friends all think he’s really hot and I should do him. I’m the only one of my girlfriends still a virgin, although I have one gay guy friend who still is.
What should I do?
-Confused Virgin in Vermont
Dear Confused,
Virginity is a sacred, beautiful thing and any man who would pressure you to destroy such a rare treasure is a cad you would be better off without. As for your so-called girlfriends, they sound like a bunch of twits.Remember, it is better to be a leader of men than a follower. The only one you should ever follow is of course Great Cthulhu. Speaking of which some followers… rather friends of mine are throwing a ritual sacrifice… um, I mean party shortly when the heavens align. How would you like to be the guest of honor? We would love to have you. E-mail me at virgins@dearcthulhu.com. And bring a dish to pass.
Dear Cthulhu,
I’ve slept with my Teddy every night since I was a little boy, even though my parents say I’m too old. I’m in kindergarten now. The other morning when I woke up, Teddy was gone. I looked everywhere but he disappeared. I think the monster in my closet ate Teddy, but Daddy says I’m wrong. Can you help me?
—Five in Freeport
Dear Five,
Yes, Cthulhu can help you. Your father is correct. The monster in your closet did not eat Teddy. It was the creature under your bed. And he is hungry again.
Have A Dark Day.
Praise for Dear Cthulhu:
“When Cthulhu approached me to write an advice column for my ‘zine, I was a bit skeptical. But how could I say no to mighty Cthulhu? I mean really, he was mad enough when I told him he could only have one page. But it turned out to be the best page in the entire ‘zine. Absolutely. The BEST! Now can I please be released from my enslavement in the blurb mines, oh great one?” -Michael D. Pederson, Publisher/Editor, Nth Degree
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For generations, those whom others would shun because of their questionable moral choices had no one to turn to when they needed help navigating life. If you are among them or need help yourself, rejoice and be rudderless no more. Dear Cthulhu has arrived and with his second edition of collection of columns, he continues his quest to aid humankind by giving
Good Advice for Bad People.
Here’ a sample of Dear Cthulhu’s wisdom-
Dear Cthulhu,I recently had a very traumatic experience at the dentist’s office. Two days ago I had a root canal and was put under. I came out of the gas early, only to see the dentist getting off of me. His pants were at his ankles and it was obvious what he had done.
I’m understandably upset, but I can’t help but wonder if it’s karma. You see, a couple of weekends before a couple of guys gave me a hundred bucks to put drugs in my girlfriend’s drink so they could get with her.
Normally, I would have told them to buzz off, but I really wanted to get one of those new U-pod MP3 players, so I did it. Do you think this is my karmic payback?
-Going Around While Others Come Around
Dear Going,
Probably. The universe has a perverse sense of humor and you got what you deserved. But what about your dentist? Does he get off scott free? Cthulhu thinks not. You can be the instrument of Karma instead of its victim.
Call Dr. Loose Pants and share with him what you remember, then tell him you were a virgin and now you’re pregnant. Blackmail him for all you can get by promising to go for a DNA test once the baby’s born. After the check clears, report that you made a mistake and were just late. And tape all your conversations in case you need more money down the road.
Dear Cthulhu,
I have a job and a boss that I hate. The slime bag treated me like crap, so I took my revenge by peeing in his coffee pot every morning. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but it ended up backfiring on me. It turns out he loved my “special blend” and couldn’t get enough of it. He told the entire office and they loved it too. I’m not really sure why, but I am diabetic which is supposed to make the urine sweet. That or they were all just used to really horrible coffee.
Without telling me, my idiot boss entered my brew in a contest that Spacebucks Coffeehouse was running to find the best new coffee. I won and they offered me a ton of money to manage one of their biggest shops and make my special blend for the customers. I’m torn. I could use the money and it would be a huge relief to get out of this office. What should I do?
-A Real Pisser In Pittsburgh
Dear Pisser,
Take the job, but insist on your own private office to make the coffee. And remember to drink lots of fluids.
Praise for Dear Cthulhu:
“FUN.” – Nick Cato, THE HORROR FICTION REVIEW
“Dear Cthulhu provides the finest advice to needy readers. Lord Cthulhu is the greatest and mightiest provider of guidance for mere mortals. Dear Abby is like unto a flea on His behind in comparison. Dr. Phil is but carbuncle upon one of His mighty appendages. All hail Great Cthulhu, eldest of the Old Ones, and your ONE source for sound advice. If you want to stay out of Arkham Asylum, Dear Cthulhu is your only hope.”– Hildy Silverman, Publisher, Space and Time Magazine
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The Advice you’ve been afraid to ask for. Messed up your life? Turn to Dear Cthulhu for the answers on how to fix things because
Cthulhu Knows Best.
In the third Dear Cthulhu advice collection, the Mighty Cthulhu enlightens the masses by tackling topics ranging from when should one stop breast feeding, how to deal with roommates who think they are werewolves, what to do when you find out you have 58 illegitimate children, dealing with text addicted girlfriends, how to hide your habit of eating cats from your feline loving girlfriend, and he explains how LSD can still cause bad trips decades after you take it.
Here’s an example of his wisdom:
Dear Cthulhu,
I am constantly being criticized by friends and even strangers for breast feeding my son in public. They all try to tell me he’s too old. I think it is up to the mother when she stops breast feeding her kids. Besides, he just won’t take the formula. I’ve tried and he doesn’t like it. If it helps, my little one turned thirty-six last month.
-Momma Manning the Milk Pumps
Dear Milk,
Traditionally when the child can open up the mother’s shirt and help himself to a snack, it is time to cut them off. And it is quite possible that your behavior is keeping him from meeting women his own age to play and procreate with. If you are interested in grandchildren, I suggest stopping the feeding immediately. But look at it this way. You have kept your mammaries going for almost four decades. Maintain that with a breast pump for a while longer and you may be able to feed your grandchildren as well.
Praise for Dear Cthulhu:
“As an elder god, Great Cthulhu has the experience to answer the questions that would drive lesser advice columnists to madness, and he does so with a sensitivity that gives one hope for the years of chaos and darkness to come when he rises from the depths.”
-David Lee Summers, Editor Tales of the Talisman Magazine and author of Owl Dance.
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Cthulhu will one day rise upto claim the Earth and its inhabitants as his own.The Great Old One has lookedupon Humankind and found it lacking.Cthulhu has deemed it necessaryto prepare Humankind for his comingThus, Cthulhu now answers humanity’s questionsto help them better themselves.
And now when you are in doubt as to what to do in life, you can ask yourself the most important question-
WHAT WOULD CTHULHU DO?
In the latest Dear Cthulhu collection, the Great Old One answers letters and gives more good advice to bad people, tackling topics ranging from after-death love affairs, men who think they are dogs, women who believe they are witches, adoption, relationships, kitten eating snowmen, how long children should keep teddy bears, the place of rocket launchers in polite society, and how to deal with the dread beaver pox.
Here’ a sample of Dear Cthulhu’s wisdom-
Dear Cthulhu,
My wife and I recently have been getting into trouble with our neighbors and local authorities because of our decisions on how we raise our children. We’ve decided to go back to a better and simpler time and raise our offspring as free range children, just like in the good old days.
Apparently, some of our busy-body neighbors object to this and have been having the police hound us because our children walk to school on their own through our safe suburban neighborhood. They tell us it’s unsafe, yet there hasn’t been a violent crime reported here in years and therehas never been a child abduction reported in our town ever.
Do you think we’re doing the right thing raising our children free range?
– Free Rangers In Fredonia
Dear Free Rangers,
Cthulhu is with you one hundred percent. I actually admire what you are doing. In today’s environment, children are herded in and out of schools and fed all sorts of artificial additives which really taint their taste. The idea that you are raising free range children is amazing to Cthulhu. Thank you.
Children are so much tastier when they are free range – I simply cannot tell you how wonderful this is. And the lack of violent crime helps assure they survive long enough to make it to market. I’m not sure what age you are planning to sell them off for food, but Cthulhu would like to put an order in now.
Praise for Dear Cthulhu:
“A crazy fun collection…Great Cthulhu dispenses a sardonic brand of advice that will make you giggle and snort with horrifi ed glee…some very funny and dark Q & A’s that will have Lovecraft fans shrieking with laughter.”
– J. L. Comeau, Creature Feature
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Lost? Scared? Confused? Don’t worry because Cthulhu Explains It All!
And here is a sample of Cthulhu’s knowledge:
Dear Cthulhu,
As far as I’m concerned, I’m one of the most accomplished women – no, people – in the entire history of the world. Why just in the last month I have cured someone of cancer, won the Boston Marathon, spent time on the international space station, won Nobel Prizes for peace and for my chocolate soufflé. And modesty forbids me from going into detail about my threesome with Tom Cruise and Hugh Jackman, but it was hot! The problem is most people don’t take my accomplishments seriously and I’m not sure if it’s because I’m a woman or because I did it all in my dreams. That’s right, I’m the ultimate dream warrior. Yet despite everything I’ve managed to do, when I offer people the benefit of my wisdom and experience, they often make fun of me and ignore what I’m telling them to do. When I told my one friend they could get rid of her cancer by using stem cells and a hot glue gun, she looked at me as if I was mad. But she did ask her doctor. That quack said no one had ever heard of such a thing. When I called Harvard to have them send me a copy of my diploma, they said they had no record of it and hung up on me when I explained how I dreamed I had graduated from there with high honors with a dual major in brain surgery and philosophy. Then the other night when I was out at a five-star restaurant, I snuck back into the kitchen to give the chef a couple of pointers, telling him that butterscotch and curry were the keys to making the best duck l’orange that he’d ever taste. You’d think someone in his position would be thrilled to get advice from someone like me, but no. He had security throw me out and wouldn’t even give me my food in a doggie bag. So my dear Cthulhu, as one of the few on this planet who is accomplished as I am, how do I get people to take my experiences seriously? (Oh and I have some included some pointers for you as an attachment on how to terrorize and take over the planet. You’re going to love it.)
– Beautiful Dreamer in Buffalo
Dear Buffalo,
There is a reason why people do not take your claims of skill and experience seriously – they are utter nonsense. In human, dreams are your minds way of processing the day’s events and dealing with stress. The events of life influence your dreams, not the other way around, unlike Cthulhu whose dreams can influence the entire world and universe. In fact. right now Cthulhu might lie dreaming and when I awake you will find that you have been nothing but a figment of that dream and I will either make you cease to be or live in horror and terror, depending on my mood that day.
Collect all 6 volumes of Dear Cthulhu
